if i had known then what i know now.....

ok, so i was in the optimistic phase when last blogged, still needed certain outcome (for our business to recover) so couldn't talk about what all was happening..... now here we are, even lost my teeth and health in addition to our business and home during this recession that has changed our lives so dramatically....

with nothing left to lose (while acknowledging the need to protect my family's privacy), gonna say what i mean and mean what i say, dementia at age 47 due to medical causes and coming to terms with "getting my affairs in order" has it's benefits in that i have become brutally honest and less concerned with what "people might think".... guess that's no surprise to those who really know me....

as a complication from a gastric bypass 5 years ago, i am unable to absorb the nutrition and minerals needed to sustain life through my digestive tract, it took almost 5 years (most of which was with $2500/month insurance) to pick up what was wrong...

as i complained about being worn out, exhausted, memory and concentration issues, we chalked it all up to the stress of running a demanding business and our big family, when in retrospect it is clear to see that i have literally been depleted of such basics as iron over an extended period of time.... now staying alive depends on continued iron infusions which depend on the continued benevolence of the drug companies without comprehensive health coverage.....

lack of oxygen has obviously caused damage in that all of my teeth died, am unable to be "up" for over 15-20 mins at a time, have chest pain most days and can't breathe if i get the least bit hot, am on a pain patch reserved normally for those in the late stages of cancer....

so if i come across as angry or frustrated on "political issues" like the right to healthcare, that's where it's coming from, the "system" in america hasn't worked, all i can do now is my part to bring about the needed changes by being brave enough to be honest and put a face, even if it's toothless, out there so people can see themselves in our shoes....

hopefully i can help give folks out there who are being manipulated by their fears a path to conscious living, of having the courage needed to live with the compassion espoused in churches every sunday to the real victims of our economic tsunami.... personally it appears too late for me, a lot of damage is already done, but it's what i've got to share out of all this mess....

i can't know for sure but i would be willing to place a bet that there are thousands and thousands of folks out there "circling the drain" without their families even knowing... for the past year, i've wished i could be the little birdie on the shoulder of anyone who would care enough to come to my funeral to please come visit me now, not out of obligation to me or because i need anything from them, but truly not wanting to leave anybody behind who would have regrets or guilt, been there done that got the tshirt on that one, don't want anybody there saying "i wish i had known" or "didn't have a clue"

i was taught well to never openly talk about politics or religion, but now its personal.... as i try to reassure our 9 year old that everything's gonna be ok when it's obviously not, it's new territory for all of us from this point forward, whether or not we wanted to take this trip or not, it is what it is...

our economic lenten challenge

it's 40 days until the election

for the past year, i've heard myself saying to folks that i didn't think things would start to turn around until after the election

that sounded naive even to my own ears but the past few days on wall street and washington has validated my gut, things will start to turn around after this election

consumer confidence is a term i've heard tossed around all my life but have just now realized the true meaning, lack of consumer confidence means people are scared and in survival mode

the good news is that the day after the election, at least half of our citizens will feel better and loosen the death grip on the dollar which should start the energy flowing in the right direction again

should we commit our children and grandchildren to the task of rescuing us from ourselves or should we just hunker down and survive this economic lent?

what am i willing to give up for lent? i'm willing to give up my pride by sharing our reality rather than continuing to hide in shame, our family business was just the canary in the mine shaft almost a year ago, now the rest of the economy is overwhelmed by the fumes as we work on our "re-organization"

i don't pretend to know all the answers but will stick with my story, things will start to turn around the morning after the election, no matter who "wins"

in the meantime we can meet in the red tent and share in each others strength, experience, and hope.... i believe that in our collective mamisma lies the power to transform ourselves and the world around us and emerge from this transformation stronger and better equipped to compete in the global economy

just as many of us individually have evolved from being victims to being survivors, we as a community need to lay the groundwork during this economic lent for our own successes by being honest with ourselves and each other, once again learning from each other the difference between our wants and our needs, rather than sacrificing ourselves as martyrs on the altar of unbridled greed and expecting a savior to wave a magic wand to rescue us